Friday, 12 May 2017

A Goblin Wedding

Sometimes, goblin weddings. (Lots of inspiration from Arnold K and Zak S, shhh)

Yes, I have a Goblin King. I guess he's David Bowie.

The wedding takes place in a

1. Giant old galleon, somehow landlocked
2. Field of poppies exhaling surreal posions. Dining tables & chairs amongst them.
3. Enormous, holed apple. Giant worms of course.
4. A kind of arena, replete with beast pens/gates for when things get boring.
5. A pavillion of linked goblins, tumbling and straining. Tickle and see!
6. A mountain of shite, within which wallow the celebrants.
7. A cathedral, wherein gravity is reversed.
8. The gullet of a lobotomised and bound giant.
9. On an experimental wedding zeppelin.
10. In the mirror of a human castle. Leads to Goblin City.
11. On a city roaming parade float, heaved by trolls.
12. In an exqusite origami palace lit by flaming torches.


1. Fire artists, far too dangerous (and explosive).
2. Captured human fiddler, worked to exhaustion. Keeps being prodded.
3. Goblin opera singer, gets smaller as she sings... people who can hear her swell up.
4. Jousting on inappropriate mounts. Humans are a good bet. Whatever, roll on a random animal chart. (Zak S, naturally)
5. Trussed human captive being tossed around for luck. Each table takes a piece.
6. Goblin Morris Dancers starting fights between camps, employing insulting, custom dances.
7. Goblins smacking guests with huge fish. Ocasionally fish animates and eats whatever is near, before asphyxiating.
8. Races for the young goblins. They are encouraged by mutant rats.
9. Pin the Tail (on the captured priest/nun).
10. Mallett wielding, blind folded goblin, tries to hit goblins intent on stabbing him/her to death.
11. Bride and groom have sex with as many goblins as possible.
12. Ring toss with bound captives. Rings are rats tied together at the tail.

BONUS Worst Man contest, an inevitable bit, sees goblins try to outdo one another in boorishness. Often ends in murder.

Obviously, I was going to put this here.

Hors d'ouvres (Effects last for an hour/instantaneous/or otherwise noted)

  1. Monkey Brains (+2 INT and random insanity. Save vs posion or become addicted)
  2. Jellied Man Tongue (+2 CHA and self loathing)
  3. Wee Lil' Squids (Mmm. Heal 1d4 dam. Poo Lil squids for d3 weeks. each weekly batch 10% chance of one growing into a Mind Flayer somehow. Probably sees you as mum.)
  4. Baked Babies (Permo madness)
  5. Genitals from something. (Just don't. You did? Hyper, cross species fertility for d 3 weeks)
  6. Ball of hooks and glass. (Yeah, you're going to die if you fail a Death save. Succeed, +1 permo CON)
  7. Live, burning, ant. (Extinguishes. Grants immunity to fire. Tasty)
  8. Curried liver (that actually cures poison at the cost of exhausting, explosive diahhrea). 
  9. Poison anemone thing, full of poison. (Insta death. Can be used as grenade, save vs death or die in 10' radius. 20% chance of bursting in hand=insta death)
  10. Screaming ginger bread men. (Gain hateful tulpa, gives bad advice, sometimes so bad, it's good, due to predictable vibe)

Goblin Guests  (Went here for names)

1.Dagskar Earscrapper  A fat goblin who fancies himself a detective of some sort, carries a big maginfying glass and has nothing to investigate.

 2.Naffgit Ukscragga A mutant mess of a goblin, his lower body, from neck down, resembling a centipede. Famously carried banner for the Goblin City during which battle, he lost all limbs. Was saved and rewarded. Bad tempered.

 3.Gubbinz The Jester. Unpredictable Jester who looks to bum everyone out.

4.Guthnog Brittlenose An old goblin selling candles formed from her own ear wax. Many of the wedding candles are her work, she is swift to point out.

 5.Firguka da Wierd A Gobin in a suit of metal armour constructed for the occasion, vaguely resembling a London gent, top hat and all. Wants out, is dying, slowly.

 6.Bogloba Longnose Just a serial killer with a 2 foot nose. Stalking other random guest when encountered. Is actaully very good baby sitter for humans.
 7.Guzzla .  Organ grinder with mobile organ on the back of human lobotomised ogre steed. Sort of a celebrity. Other random goblin will be seeking autograph.

 8.Mr Bogrot Stuntybane Reeking of perfume and quite the dandy. Ever so happy to have been invited but is panicking because he has no gift

 9.Kruggler . Famous worg racer, tiny but kind of resepcted. Occasionally Troll bodyguard tries to eat. Afraid to participate in joust.

 10.Lady Fikbata Arch-High Gitflicker, lady of the sewers, which she has kept spotless for seven generations. Hoping to find a mate of any race or creed.

 11.Da great Zambungo, a great shaman, surrounded by cloud of locusts. Actually mind has gone and is now possessed by curious insect spirit. Might be found eating shit. Cannot speak. Nobody notices, staying deferential.

 12.Grobgut Skewtooth . Jousting spider rider and ladies' goblin. Has an ancient charm that prevents him being pierced.

13.Niblut. Attending to guests needs at will, even though he is a guest. A born sycophant. Might act as a a guide. Will climb any social pole offered.

14. Lobbo Black Tooth  Has sentient, much smarter black tooth as a result of a mutation. Advises on matters astrological and has made quite the rep for Lobbo, hence his invite. Wants to be pulled and put in your head.

15. Madam Pogo Gookhead. Produces loaves of bread from her arsehole, much to the delight of everyone. Really good bread. Heals d8 hp per loaf.

 16.Jaim Pimplebum. She's always asleep, carried on a palanquin bed by human slaves whipped by scrawny, cruel goblins. Is tended by a loyal old goblin butler who speaks for her and presents her gifts. Is actually locked in some extra dimensional prison of your choice. 

 17.Sir Igi Dingleberry.  Llama trainer, trains llamas for jousting and war. Is mocked by Worg trainers/riders. His llamas are as good as high quality war horses and are each as smart as Lassy. Will give one away to the PC who volunteers to enter the joust whilst riding one.

 18.Bambrog Foothair. Has cultivated over 75 different diseases in her body, all held in equilibium by a peculair, chemistry set, ahrness she wears. Is able to access different diseases by turning different taps. If her harness is broken, she warps into a plague demon of some kind.

 19.Dimble Flatear. Drug addled, insensible. Picks fights with random animals/goblins. Son of Goblin King, so it is said. Everyone afraid of him.

 20.Skunklob the Hunchback. Hump contains hundreds of tiny cuttle fish things, which can be released into water. Water thus drunk, sees fish thing assert control over drinker. In this way she hopes to take over the Goblin Kingdom, starting with this wedding. Controls one random guest.

        I'd buy this if I wasn't generally skint and I'd not already done a goblin wedding


  1.  Goblin princess, family has huge dowry, is extremely ugly by human standards and by goblin standards, somehow, by some trick. Any groom will want to off her during the reception.
  2. A pig.
  3. A beautiful, human scullery maid, kidnapped and treated like royalty. Terrified, is going mad.
  4. A troll with a stitched on wig. Prone to extrme violence. Also emits powerful lust pheremone.
  5. An ambitous hobgoblin, seeking to become a goblin leader.
  6. A mechanical woman/golem, like in Metropolis, built for this purpose, sentient but essentially new born.
  7. A goblin warrior, known to collect the testicles of the fallen. Takes a shine to random PC.
  8. A goblin maid, possessed by 1: an ancient ghost 2: a demon 3:a wizard from another dimension. Why? 1: to set the wheels in motion. 2: accident 3: love

  1. A goblin prince: penniless, connving,  murderous.
  2. A frog, claimed by his mother and father to be the subject of a curse. 50/50.
  3. An old human king, senile. His vanishing is a national crisis, but his marriage, would be a disaster. Yeah, his good wife, is dead.
  4. Just a giant goblin head in a wheel barrow. Born minus body. Very rich.
  5. A mad, goblin wizard, unfaithful, his eye on a random PC.
  6. A flesh golem with the brain of a dead goblin hero. Desperate for a suitable wand. I think that would be a good scenario.
  7. A semi sentient ooze in a hat.
  8. The Goblin King himself!

That ought to get you going, should you be particular enough to partner off your goblins.

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