Friday, 12 May 2017

A Goblin Wedding

Sometimes, goblin weddings. (Lots of inspiration from Arnold K and Zak S, shhh)

Yes, I have a Goblin King. I guess he's David Bowie.

The wedding takes place in a

1. Giant old galleon, somehow landlocked
2. Field of poppies exhaling surreal posions. Dining tables & chairs amongst them.
3. Enormous, holed apple. Giant worms of course.
4. A kind of arena, replete with beast pens/gates for when things get boring.
5. A pavillion of linked goblins, tumbling and straining. Tickle and see!
6. A mountain of shite, within which wallow the celebrants.
7. A cathedral, wherein gravity is reversed.
8. The gullet of a lobotomised and bound giant.
9. On an experimental wedding zeppelin.
10. In the mirror of a human castle. Leads to Goblin City.
11. On a city roaming parade float, heaved by trolls.
12. In an exqusite origami palace lit by flaming torches.


1. Fire artists, far too dangerous (and explosive).
2. Captured human fiddler, worked to exhaustion. Keeps being prodded.
3. Goblin opera singer, gets smaller as she sings... people who can hear her swell up.
4. Jousting on inappropriate mounts. Humans are a good bet. Whatever, roll on a random animal chart. (Zak S, naturally)
5. Trussed human captive being tossed around for luck. Each table takes a piece.
6. Goblin Morris Dancers starting fights between camps, employing insulting, custom dances.
7. Goblins smacking guests with huge fish. Ocasionally fish animates and eats whatever is near, before asphyxiating.
8. Races for the young goblins. They are encouraged by mutant rats.
9. Pin the Tail (on the captured priest/nun).
10. Mallett wielding, blind folded goblin, tries to hit goblins intent on stabbing him/her to death.
11. Bride and groom have sex with as many goblins as possible.
12. Ring toss with bound captives. Rings are rats tied together at the tail.

BONUS Worst Man contest, an inevitable bit, sees goblins try to outdo one another in boorishness. Often ends in murder.

Obviously, I was going to put this here.

Hors d'ouvres (Effects last for an hour/instantaneous/or otherwise noted)

  1. Monkey Brains (+2 INT and random insanity. Save vs posion or become addicted)
  2. Jellied Man Tongue (+2 CHA and self loathing)
  3. Wee Lil' Squids (Mmm. Heal 1d4 dam. Poo Lil squids for d3 weeks. each weekly batch 10% chance of one growing into a Mind Flayer somehow. Probably sees you as mum.)
  4. Baked Babies (Permo madness)
  5. Genitals from something. (Just don't. You did? Hyper, cross species fertility for d 3 weeks)
  6. Ball of hooks and glass. (Yeah, you're going to die if you fail a Death save. Succeed, +1 permo CON)
  7. Live, burning, ant. (Extinguishes. Grants immunity to fire. Tasty)
  8. Curried liver (that actually cures poison at the cost of exhausting, explosive diahhrea). 
  9. Poison anemone thing, full of poison. (Insta death. Can be used as grenade, save vs death or die in 10' radius. 20% chance of bursting in hand=insta death)
  10. Screaming ginger bread men. (Gain hateful tulpa, gives bad advice, sometimes so bad, it's good, due to predictable vibe)

Goblin Guests  (Went here for names)

1.Dagskar Earscrapper  A fat goblin who fancies himself a detective of some sort, carries a big maginfying glass and has nothing to investigate.

 2.Naffgit Ukscragga A mutant mess of a goblin, his lower body, from neck down, resembling a centipede. Famously carried banner for the Goblin City during which battle, he lost all limbs. Was saved and rewarded. Bad tempered.

 3.Gubbinz The Jester. Unpredictable Jester who looks to bum everyone out.

4.Guthnog Brittlenose An old goblin selling candles formed from her own ear wax. Many of the wedding candles are her work, she is swift to point out.

 5.Firguka da Wierd A Gobin in a suit of metal armour constructed for the occasion, vaguely resembling a London gent, top hat and all. Wants out, is dying, slowly.

 6.Bogloba Longnose Just a serial killer with a 2 foot nose. Stalking other random guest when encountered. Is actaully very good baby sitter for humans.
 7.Guzzla .  Organ grinder with mobile organ on the back of human lobotomised ogre steed. Sort of a celebrity. Other random goblin will be seeking autograph.

 8.Mr Bogrot Stuntybane Reeking of perfume and quite the dandy. Ever so happy to have been invited but is panicking because he has no gift

 9.Kruggler . Famous worg racer, tiny but kind of resepcted. Occasionally Troll bodyguard tries to eat. Afraid to participate in joust.

 10.Lady Fikbata Arch-High Gitflicker, lady of the sewers, which she has kept spotless for seven generations. Hoping to find a mate of any race or creed.

 11.Da great Zambungo, a great shaman, surrounded by cloud of locusts. Actually mind has gone and is now possessed by curious insect spirit. Might be found eating shit. Cannot speak. Nobody notices, staying deferential.

 12.Grobgut Skewtooth . Jousting spider rider and ladies' goblin. Has an ancient charm that prevents him being pierced.

13.Niblut. Attending to guests needs at will, even though he is a guest. A born sycophant. Might act as a a guide. Will climb any social pole offered.

14. Lobbo Black Tooth  Has sentient, much smarter black tooth as a result of a mutation. Advises on matters astrological and has made quite the rep for Lobbo, hence his invite. Wants to be pulled and put in your head.

15. Madam Pogo Gookhead. Produces loaves of bread from her arsehole, much to the delight of everyone. Really good bread. Heals d8 hp per loaf.

 16.Jaim Pimplebum. She's always asleep, carried on a palanquin bed by human slaves whipped by scrawny, cruel goblins. Is tended by a loyal old goblin butler who speaks for her and presents her gifts. Is actually locked in some extra dimensional prison of your choice. 

 17.Sir Igi Dingleberry.  Llama trainer, trains llamas for jousting and war. Is mocked by Worg trainers/riders. His llamas are as good as high quality war horses and are each as smart as Lassy. Will give one away to the PC who volunteers to enter the joust whilst riding one.

 18.Bambrog Foothair. Has cultivated over 75 different diseases in her body, all held in equilibium by a peculair, chemistry set, ahrness she wears. Is able to access different diseases by turning different taps. If her harness is broken, she warps into a plague demon of some kind.

 19.Dimble Flatear. Drug addled, insensible. Picks fights with random animals/goblins. Son of Goblin King, so it is said. Everyone afraid of him.

 20.Skunklob the Hunchback. Hump contains hundreds of tiny cuttle fish things, which can be released into water. Water thus drunk, sees fish thing assert control over drinker. In this way she hopes to take over the Goblin Kingdom, starting with this wedding. Controls one random guest.

        I'd buy this if I wasn't generally skint and I'd not already done a goblin wedding


  1.  Goblin princess, family has huge dowry, is extremely ugly by human standards and by goblin standards, somehow, by some trick. Any groom will want to off her during the reception.
  2. A pig.
  3. A beautiful, human scullery maid, kidnapped and treated like royalty. Terrified, is going mad.
  4. A troll with a stitched on wig. Prone to extrme violence. Also emits powerful lust pheremone.
  5. An ambitous hobgoblin, seeking to become a goblin leader.
  6. A mechanical woman/golem, like in Metropolis, built for this purpose, sentient but essentially new born.
  7. A goblin warrior, known to collect the testicles of the fallen. Takes a shine to random PC.
  8. A goblin maid, possessed by 1: an ancient ghost 2: a demon 3:a wizard from another dimension. Why? 1: to set the wheels in motion. 2: accident 3: love

  1. A goblin prince: penniless, connving,  murderous.
  2. A frog, claimed by his mother and father to be the subject of a curse. 50/50.
  3. An old human king, senile. His vanishing is a national crisis, but his marriage, would be a disaster. Yeah, his good wife, is dead.
  4. Just a giant goblin head in a wheel barrow. Born minus body. Very rich.
  5. A mad, goblin wizard, unfaithful, his eye on a random PC.
  6. A flesh golem with the brain of a dead goblin hero. Desperate for a suitable wand. I think that would be a good scenario.
  7. A semi sentient ooze in a hat.
  8. The Goblin King himself!

That ought to get you going, should you be particular enough to partner off your goblins.

Saturday, 5 November 2016

5e 'Conan' Barbarian Primal Path

 Here's a quick take on the missing 'Conan' primal path from 5e. There's an implicit sexism to Conan, which I've incorporated into the design. So go ahead and be a female Conan and rescue some prince or something. In this sense, it works pretty well as a kind of Amazon.

Stranger in a Strange Land
At 3rd level, when you adopt this path, you choose 2 bonus languages which you have picked up to survive (including abilty to read and write in those tongues). You gain a bonus language at 6th, 10th and 14th levels.  Also, you are considered dangerous and strange by civilised men, gaining advantage on intimdation checks amongst them.

 Cat amongst the Pigeons.
At 3rd level, when you adopt this path, you may enter a state of savage, uncaring joy when you make a Reckless Attack. After a successful hit , you may keep attacking as long as you keep hitting. Each hit after the first costs d4 hp, then 2d4 hp, then 4d4, then 8d4...(representing your lack of care for your own safety and defence). This state ignores damage resistance provided by entering a rage.

Savage Allure
  Beginning at 6th level, you gain advantage on attempts to seduce or command. Civilised enemies tend want to capture you, rather than kill (probably to torture you to death).

 Stirred by Beauty
Starting at 10th level, you Crit on a 19 or 20 and apply an extra damage die to said Crit. This bonus only applies whenever you are attempting to protect, rescue or aid a member of the opposite sex.

Know, oh Prince...
At 14th level, you gain advantage on any stunt like manoeuvres when you rage. The stakes of a failed stunt, must always be high (DM's discretion) to qualify for this effect.

Thursday, 3 November 2016

The Estate: A horrible LotFP setting/game/brain expulsion.

The Estate is maybe Belfast in the early 70s or perhaps Manchester in the late 80s, or it could be Glasgow in the mid 90s. It is streets and tips and cornershops and cellars. It is Sectarian Pubs, brothels, Catholic bedrooms. It is warehouse raves and rusty parks and canal bridges. It is disused cotton factories,  family kitchens,yards backing onto alleys and empty football pitches.

People keep  pretending they can leave,  but they can't. They collect and hoard hearts. They don't know why. Monsters live in places,  but there's no acknowledgement. It's always night.Nobody ever remembers the monsters.  They are unrecognisable, psych, horrors.

The TV always has something to watch.

If you try to leave,  somebody appears in a car and begins chasing you.

There are hidden ways out. Voivodja is a good bet. The gatekeepers, if such exist, probably want hearts. Yeah, they're a bit like hearts in Zelda.

You have grown up here. Or maybe you haven't (there's nothing stopping this being an awful kind of demi Ravenloft meets Trainspotting).  Somebody told you you can leave with enough hearts.  Everyone thinks you're mad and that there's no problem.

For now, we can use LotFP as our basis.You could definitely have published LotFP  adventures happen here, but you'd obviously modify them to fit. Everything is re-skinned, in British neuroses (for the purposes of this idea, neuroses is skin). Everything is twisted by the worst fears of the British middle classes....the nightmares they imagine are perpetrated by the 'lower orders'.

    Valentina Ferrandes 'Council Estate'

Clerics are drag queens (you already know what these are America)

Fighters are local hard men

Rogues are scallies

Wizards are crusties .

There are no direct damage spells. Plus the wizard or cleric must be high as fuck. Did it really happen? I don't know. Maybe we imagined the whole thing.

XP is gained on a £ for £ basis. However,  XP will not get you off the estate.

The police arrive when the estate stress meter reaches a certain point (let's say 10). Different actions, cause more stress. Certain actions decrease stress.  The police are obviously Pigs in Uniforms. They beat and maim wantonly. Those they arrest, are never seen again.

The Estate is randomly generated.

Potions and such, are rendered as local alternatives eg: special brew super strength lager. Interesting because the players are relying upon the DMs interpretation of local myths.

...which is precisely the the point.

But this is my game haze,  so the laws of my experience (?) prevail.

Biscuit factories, rat infested tow paths, super market closes at 9.
Serial killer's attics, defaced mosques, Chinese chip shops.
Shite fairgrounds, guard dogs in car parks, stalled developments.

Steps to Play

1. Generate estate. Use a die drop method on the chart below if you like. It will probably work. Connect wth lines. Make those lines streets.
2. Generate characters
3. Stress level at zero
4. Take characters out into the streets,  played as a crawl.

Yes, there's some grim stuff on here. Rape, for instance. I'm not sure how one could approach the idea of urban monstrosity without considering that (to use another example) paedophiles are a part of British, urban myth/nightmare (and awful truth).

I don't know if it's playable yet. I'll give it a go and maybe write about it.