False Machine Dungeon Poetry

EDIT:  Area 8 has been fucked for months,  sadly.  I forgot to mention that there was a 2 in 6 chance of the High Forgetter being present in the chamber.  Oh Well, it' corrected now (for what it's worth).

 Poetry for me, is like breathing for other folk.

Here's a dungeon that's kind of weird and kind of useable, responding to Patrick's post here. It uses a Dyson Logos map, so thanks for that.

Get the PDF below.

The Vulnerary House

If that's no good to you, well, that's a good enough excuse for me to finally throw something up  for the first time in a couple of years. I hope you get some use out of it...

The PDF is in two column format, so I think you'll find that a lot easier to use. Anyway:

       THE VULNERARY HOUSE

 

THE VULNERARY HOUSE

 

 

1. The Auditorium Of Last Farewells

l A hall of marble, incense, languid, censers of blazing coals, an offering urn as tall as a man (6,214 SP. 460 GP, 4000 CP) 2d10 Veiled Ones, 1d8 Masked  Eunuch Hulks.

l  A grotto, older than these walls,  the sound of rushing water from within. Black Token forgotten in the shadows.

l Who else? 1-a noblewoman begs her son to come with her. His gaze is unfocused.2-a pregnant wife kneels at the feet of an old man who tousles her hair, gentle, yet absent 3-A boy hands an enthusiastically fashioned, yet crudely painted toy boat to a distant seeming man. The man weighs it momentarily, before pressing it back in the boy’s hands . 4-A woman, expressionless, head shaven, kisses a crying infant. She gifts the wailing swaddling to an old woman who nods and leaves, cooing to the child.

l Sometimes, at dusk, bull-rush garbed figures emerge from the grotto on shaking legs and are lead to 6.

l The Veiled Ones mark you with ash, the eunuchs take your weapons, you are lead to 2.

l Black Token bearers will be blindfolded and lead to 7.

l At night a Displacer Beast prowls. It cannot remember why it is here either.

 

2. Armoire  of  Discarded  Semblance

l As if in a dream, a Veiled One removes your garments. Lacking Ashen Mark, she plunges her poison dagger between your relaxed shoulder blades.

l Naked now, a veiled one leads you to 3.

l Hundreds of cloaks, one in ermine and fox-hair, strung with unblinking rubies (1000 GP. Habits; stoles; furs; battered chain; a child’s cape; a jester’s motley; a silk blouse,hardened, bloodied.

l Someone has carved ‘say nothing’, behind the last cloak.

l Shelves of sandals, shoes and boots. A black widow within one. Patent leather woman’s shoe with Silver and Opal buckle (150GP)

l 1 in 6 A eunuch gathering clothes for the fire or the market.

 

 

3. Praetorium Of Ecstasies

l Marble walls, bas relief, interlocking triskelions, floor polished to high sheen - your feet glide.

l Six Veiled Ones beat ivory  and ebony tabla (150GP), dholak (60GP), khol (40GP), thavil (100 GP), gold bell (70 GP) and tambourine (10 GP). Hypnotic. Save vs Spell or Charm Person. You will dance now.

l When you are laughing, exhausted, Veiled One takes your hand and leads you to 4.

 

4.An Assiduous Assessment

l 2 in 6 The High Forgetter, beneath a white cowl, his mirror mask returns your own gaze. 2d3 Eunuchs, either way. 1 Eunuch has key to 5. Granite cell, a mat of intricately woven reeds (200GP) upon which you are invited to repose, pungent incense, three varnished planks ,a pit, 50’deep, wherein writhe 4d6 discarded Blank Cannibals, knowing only hate and hunger. Diamond down in muck (965 GP)

l Shown the Ashen Mark, three questions will he pose. 1.What have you found? 2. What have you lost? 3. What do you seek to find? You will answer ‘nothing’ to all three or eunuchs will feed the cannibals tonight.

l With the right words, eunuch will lay the bridge, unlock the door and march you to 5.

 

5. Court Of Firstly  Flagellation

l Blood cakes the stone flagged floor, white painted walls finger streaked with flaking black; crusting brown and daubs of oozing crimson.

l Worktop in corner displays pliers, drills, tweezers. Bronze urn contains gold teeth (180 GP), Serpent Earrings in platinum (200 GP), Gold rings of dubious provenance (20, 80 and 260 GP)

l 2 in 6 Eunuch lashes a quivering pillar of meat. 2 in 6 dragging carcass to 4.

l 2 in 6 the High Forgetter is here, urging you to ‘let go’

l Letting go, you are helped to 6.

 

6.The Sinner’s Pier

l Steps shiny, worn smooth. Chamber geometry reaches for  philosophical equality.

l Three naked female statues, headless each, bear the sword of mind (See Appendix). Animate to attack those without the ashen mark. Are appeased by heads, which they cradle.

l Luxurious Velvet Curtain (400GP) hides bas relief of seeming endless vortex. Save vs Paralysis or be lost within it’s coils.

l Two stone piers. 1d4 Eunuchs. 1d8 Veiled Ones. Sacred oils (100GP )applied for the journey. 2 in 6 chance of interrupting ceremony.

l With due care and attention,Veiled Ones softly; deliberately, lay a middle aged man upon black waters. He slides beneath, pulled without urgency into the darkness.

l To bathe within the water is to forget all, to be like a babe. To drink is to lose only memories. 5% chance that either process merely causes permanent psychosis.

 

7.The Coinless Auction

l White marble, burning braziers, nuanced shadows.

l 1d4 Blank children, 1d6 Blank adults and 1d8 Blank elders stand listless, clad only in bull-rushes. 2d4 Veiled Ones. 2d6 Eunuchs.

l 2 in 6 High Forgetter offering quiet advice and an ear to listen.

l 1d3 Black Token bearers: 1-bulbous nosed merchant in mustard, tears flow, nobody satisfies. 2 man and woman examine child, woman smiles up at man with hopeful pleading eyes. He is lost in thought. 3-Hard faced man whispering insults into the ear of a Blank. 4-grey lady squeezing Blank old man’s hands, smiling, holding back tears. 5-Bald, scarred gammon roughly inspects behind female Blank’s ears. His eyes contain no human feeling. 6-Purple hued giant with a Bhudda smile tests the biceps of male Blanks. 7-Bent,hooded,swiftly stakes a claim to whatever children are present 8-cowled duke needs an heir...now.

l 2 in 6 viscous argument. High Forgetter summoned to calm.

l Any given person has a pouch of 1d10x20 GP 1 in 6 chance of jewellery worth 1d6x100GP

l Become a problem and eunuchs will throw you to the wives in 9.

 

 

8.The High Forgetters Repose

l Trapdoor and ladder.

l Feather bed, wolf-skin blanket (50GP).

l Votive altar, 1d4 Black Tokens. Icon of Lethe (400GP)

l Book shelf (Canticle Of The Void - nihilistic hymn book, 20 GP. The Grimoire Of Cedric The Implier -level 6 spell book. A sketch book, vistas of coastlines, white space; message in front “To Pym. I won’t forget if you don’t. Sarah”. Portrait of beautiful red haired woman wearing gold sun necklace in back, defaced. Key to 9.

l Cloak hangers, silken vestments (100GP)

l Silver wash basin (80GP)

l Foot Chest. Incense (200GP),Sapphire with tiny Displacer Beast stalking within it’s micro-latice (see appendix). Sealskin puch (30 GP) containing 240 PP. Thick gold and diamond engagement ring, inscription ‘I remembered’2000GP. Bottle of dark water, labelled ‘Drink Tomorrow’.

l 2 in 6 High Forgetter communing with Lethe, sobbing noiselessly Black Tokens  clattering from trembling fingers.Unheard.

 

9.Almost Wives, Almost Children

l Door locked. Sliding plate.

l Marble room, bas relief of twenty stage  vain courtship.

l 33 polished skulls.

l Ten Huge velvet cushions (50GP), silver trays of meat and fruit (60GP), discarded assorted bangles, bracelets, ankle rings (620GP). Golden sun necklace on dead Sarah (1500GP)

l Nine red haired wives that answer to the name Sarah and kill and eat anybody that falls through the pit (though they remain in a state of invincible ignorance). One is secretly psychotic and strangled the only pregnant Sarah (Buried beneath cushions). She is ready to take control of the Vulnerary. The other Sarah’s fear and obey her. Her potential for evil is without limit. She seeks a ‘husband’ (and the grimoire in the Repose).

l 2 in 6 chance High Forgetter is singing hymns through the plate.

 

Ø 10. Bull Rushes

l Beach of shale, white bull-rushes, sound of distant flute upstream.

l 2d6 Veiled Ones use life saving hooks to drag in Blanks that float past.

l Upon the shale they garb them in bull-rushes.

l Blank now, obediently they follow. Mostly.

APPENDIX

 

Veiled Ones, 1 HD, AC 9, Poison Hair Pin d3 + Save vs posion or d6 dmage/d4 rounds. Non-threatening, thus surpise 3-6. ML8

 

Masked Eunuch Hulk, 2 HD, AC 7, Huge Khopesh d8+2, knock down on max damage, Immune to charm. ML 9

 

Blank Cannibal/Psycho, 1HD, AC9, Gnashing Frenzy claw 1d2 /1d2/1d4. ML 12 Fighting a bunch of them in the dark is horrible, save vs paralysis or stunned for a round.

 

‘Sarah’, 1HD, AC8, Dagger 1d4, ML8

 

Red Sarah, 3 HD (14 HP), AC 8, Scratch d2. ML 10 Psionic empath, save vs  spells or she cannot be attacked due to excessive empathising. Great learning capacity, can learn arcane spells of any level, takes 1 week/spell level.

 

The High Forgetter, 5HD (20HP), AC 7. Stilleto d4 and poison  Cause Light Wounds x2 Command, Hold Person, Silence 15’ Radius, Feign Death. ML 8 Served by the Displacer Beast in the sapphire, if warned, will be accompanied by the beast. Also able to intone a kind of ASMR frequency. Save vs spells or become pliable and listless. You too would commit suicide if second save failed.

 

Sapphire  Displacer Beast, HD4, 40 HP, AC 6, Tentacles 2d4/2d4, -2 to hit, +2 saving throws, ML 9, the beast would fall upon the High Forgetter if it could get it’s shit together. Sadly, it finds his voice just a little bit too sexy.

 

Whistling Cave Ghast, HD 5, HP 35, AC 4, Claws & Bite d4/ d4/d8, paralysis, rotting stench save vs posion or -2 to attack, immune to protection from evil, x2 damage from cold iron. ML 9 Occasionally it swims down the Black River to grab warm flesh. This one uses guerilla tactics, hides 4 in 6 and may be transfixed by music.

 

 

Headless Statue, HD 4, AC 4, 1d10 Sword Of Mind, causes confusion on a failed save vs magic, ML11 Sword is becomes inert after destruction. Relentless, will chase all over the Vulnerary.

 

 

Anybody in possession of the sapphire may release the beast by uttering the word ‘Blueglass’. It may be re-imprisoned by repeating the word. No control of the beast is possible, though it may be bargained with. After 4 hours, the beast is drawn back into the Sapphire (worth 2200 GP).

 

Encounter Table (1 in 6 every 2 turns)

 

1. The High Forgetter rushing to meet and greet a supplicant, trailed by 1d6 Veiled Ones and 1d6 Eunuchs.

2. 1d4 Eunuchs, mute, masked.

3. 1d6 Veiled Ones, they question first.

4. Wandering Blank. Generate NPC. That’s who they were.

5. 2 Veiled Ones leading a blind folded Black Token carrier. Likely to be wealthy.

6.  Party of thieves lead by charismatic sociopath, dressed as Veiled Ones.

7.  Wandering psycho Blank, 2d4 eunuchs will arive to capture in d3 rounds.

8.  Whistling cave  Ghast has emerged from the River!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Carousing' for Wizards

 Jeff Rients' famous 'carousing table' has seen a lot of use in my game, as has Zak Smith's jazzed up interpretation. Here's a version specifically for wizards, meant to simulate magic experimentation of the general kind...the sort of thing I think your party magic users are going to get up to, rather than the drinking and whoring of the original versions. I guess they could still use the other tables depending upon the circumstances.

Ultimately, I intend to create a similar table for clerics, who, when it comes to carousing, are probably an even bigger source of cognitive dissonance/ice cream head ache. I'll get round to that eventually. You've probably noticed my production rate approaches the glacial. In the meantime:

Wizard's Wizardly Activities Table

1  Insult high ranking local magus. Hard charisma check. Failure, you gain this wizard as an enemy. Also he/she sees to it, that you'll be learning no spells from any 'official' sources in this area. Success and the magus lets it go, though he/she may tap you up for an adventure sooner or later. Respect will do that.

2 Mutation. Your mystic meddling fucks you right up. Roll on your DMs favourite mutation table. Roll a d6. On a 1 you gain another. Roll again. On a 1 you gain yet another. That's it though.

3 Withering. You age d10 years.

4 Doppleganger. A perfect double crawls out of your arse. It becomes your implacable enemy, opposing with equal force, every scheme you undertake. Killing it only hurts you (gain a random insanity and it comes back the next night). Got to to find some more mystic technique.

5 wild magic infection. The next time you cast a spell, roll a d20. On a 1, roll on wild magic table/magic mishap table of your choice. This occurs until you purify yourself in some reasonably cool manner.

6 Magic disease. You contract a magical disease. There are loads of these knocking around various sources. Here's three for you.
 1: Object lycanthropy. turn into a particular, randomly generated household object every full moon. can still talk and cast spells.
 2: Royal Swell. Slowly become huge, pseudo-berry. Multiply your Con by 0.5 THat's how many days it takes to turn into an immobile ball full of blood juice that attracts a certain kind of blood drinking moth (capable of passing on disease). Turquoise Sphere Moths, I reckon.
3. Phase Instabilty. Every time you enter a stressful situation, make a CON save/save vs magic. Failure means you become ethereal and cannot interact with the wolrd for d3 hours. You take d6 hp when this occurs. If you die due to this, you become a spectre. You also become visible to a peculiar kind of astral predator that enjoys haning arounsd wizards, the Wetiko. Let's say they're kind of like wolves, except they look like transparent, dog sized mole-lampreys.

7 Summon outsider with your blasphemous mirror gazing. Roll a d10 1-6 lesser demon/angel, 7-9 greater demon 10-aspect of a demon prince. Check reaction table. If good, it imparts to you an ancient demonic language that everyone will get hot and bothered about. Neutral and it turns up to offer a pact of some kind. Hostile and, well...

8 Offend a god. God turns its clerics against you in visions.  Will keep meddling with you like Hera in Clash of the Titans, you're just a piece on her chess board baby. You better make reparations somehow. Select the god from your pantheon randomly.

9 Haunting. Yes you've managed to attract a 1-ghost 2-spectre 3-poltergeist 4-lesser demon 5-wraith 6-shadow. It's now going to haunt you and mess with your stuff/affairs, until it is successfully exorcised or its needs are met.

10 Reality damage. You completely fuck the area in which you were working. It's now a portal into infinite chaos and nothing works as it should. Indeed, the portal eats at the threads of reality, growing steadily bigger, until an army can get through (say).

11 Political enemy. You've stood on some toes with one of your weird schemes. 1-burgomeister 2-judge 3-noble 4-banker 5-merchant 6-gang boss   1-turned child into frog thing 2-embarrased by vision 3-mess up a scheme 4-make feel stupid 5-embarrass an ancestor 6-accidentally blow up a family member.

12 Join a brotherhood. Who's it gonna be? 1-John Godwin Society (Anti-aristocrat judge, jury, executioners) 2-Glommers (Like Masons except they like to form into a big giant and go rampaging across the countryside) 3-Cult of Woe (Worship apocalyptic sentient sun from other dimension, really into patterned garden arranging) 4-The Yoon Suin Society (Dedicated to preserving monopoly on far-Eastern trade) 5-The Inverted Eye (Secret theurgic police dedicated to the banning of sorcery and the severe punishment of those that do practice) 6-The Black Bugle (Carry secret mail of varying kinds across the continent, always dangerous,seditious, mind rending).

13 Failed experiment. You created something awful.
1-Rampaging, headless flesh golem
2-An area of space that leads into an endless abyss, the portal invisible.
3-Hyde, turn into genius ogre under DM control when you get drunk, have sex, learn a new spell. 4-Accidentally create super addictive food stuff that is actually toxic, like sugar but much worse. Yes, it's been stolen.
5-Turn all the grain in 5 mile radius into lead pellets
6-Unleash d30 random molds
7-Begin to shrink first by an inch, then doubling each day.
8-Swap heads with nearest animal.
9-Create a multi-dimensional meme that cannot be grasped. Lose 1d3 charisma, you can't stop talking about it and failing.
10-Touch turns everything into electrum.
12-You create a crystal fractal which begins to eat up the world, growing by 1 foot each day. THrough the crystal, the world is being recreated, the process like a hall of mirrors continuing endlessly
13-sex change
14-create ambitous familiar thing which likes to cause misery for cosmic status. If it dies, so do you. 15-your thoughts are exhaed from your ears in a silvery liquid each night. Drinking this liquid allows someone instant knowledge of your toal being.
16-Unleash d30 random oozes
17-Trapped in Astral body. Connected by cord. Can never leave 30 feet of body. It will not wake up. 18-Blow up lab. Take 6d6 damage and are badly scarred, lose 1d3 CHA
19-Blow up neighborhood, kill d100, take 8d6 damage and ae badly scarred as above.
20-Wake up and you've plucked out your eyes. You're now blind. Also, take 4d6 damage.

14 Marked by the Church. The Church or a particular branch of the Church that hates wizards, has now marked you as a diabolist/heretic. Whether or not they move against you, depends upon your social class. Only nobility are able to avoid an immediate arrest attempt.

15 Start a religion. Your notes fall into the hands, of a small circle of hard-core loons. They use them to create a new religion, with you as the L.Ron Hubbard figure. Roll one of your spells randomly. this spell serves as the fundamental, theological underpinning of the religion. For example, Charm Person suggests 'Love Thy Neighbour', Fireball suggests 'Purify Corruption with Fire', Animate Dead 'Dead Flesh is Holy' and so on. This congregation will interefere in your adventures on a roll of 1 on a d6/session. They will ultimately hold you to their own strict interpretation of your research notes/new bible.

16 Offend the community. Peasants now regard you as a monster. They shun and fear you. Advantage on Intimidation checks. Disadvantage on all other social rolls. They will usually blame you for generalised mishaps in their lives...milk curdling, still births, bad harvests, sock puppets...you know the drill.

17 Attract apprentice. Awesome, a level 0 apprentice starts pestering you for teaching. You must give 10% of your earned XP to this apprentice (assume level 1 is reached at 500 xp). They will develop as any normal henchman, possibly growing to love you, possibly growing to hate you. You must teach them 1spell per level (and pay for it as if you were learning yourself), else they leave your tutelage and spread slanderous shit about you wherever they go.

18 Madness. Find a madness table. Roll on it. You're now that mad. Duration=1d8 1-6 months 7 a year and a day 8 permo.

19 Transported to other place. First roll a d6 1-3 alone! 4-6 somehow you drag the party there. Where to?
1-Carcosa
2-Voivodja
3-Formalhaut
4-The Veins of the Earth
5-The Moon
6-The Abyss
7-Hell
8-Island of Purple Haunted Putresence
9-17th Century England
10-New York 1982
11-Aboard an alien space craft
12- Inside the pages of the King in Yellow play
13-Hollow World
14-Mirror Dimension
15-Trinity Test site, July , 5:25am, July 16, 1945
16- The Misty Isle of the Eld
17- Palace of the Silver Princess
18- The Maze of the Blue Medusa
19- Sky Fortress
20- Something like Heaven

20 Dweomer mutation- One of your spells undergoes a random d/evolution. See Here and here.

Onwards!

A Goblin Wedding

Sometimes, goblin weddings. (Lots of inspiration from Arnold K and Zak S, shhh)

Yes, I have a Goblin King. I guess he's David Bowie.

The wedding takes place in a

1. Giant old galleon, somehow landlocked
2. Field of poppies exhaling surreal posions. Dining tables & chairs amongst them.
3. Enormous, holed apple. Giant worms of course.
4. A kind of arena, replete with beast pens/gates for when things get boring.
5. A pavillion of linked goblins, tumbling and straining. Tickle and see!
6. A mountain of shite, within which wallow the celebrants.
7. A cathedral, wherein gravity is reversed.
8. The gullet of a lobotomised and bound giant.
9. On an experimental wedding zeppelin.
10. In the mirror of a human castle. Leads to Goblin City.
11. On a city roaming parade float, heaved by trolls.
12. In an exqusite origami palace lit by flaming torches.



Entertainment

1. Fire artists, far too dangerous (and explosive).
2. Captured human fiddler, worked to exhaustion. Keeps being prodded.
3. Goblin opera singer, gets smaller as she sings... people who can hear her swell up.
4. Jousting on inappropriate mounts. Humans are a good bet. Whatever, roll on a random animal chart. (Zak S, naturally)
5. Trussed human captive being tossed around for luck. Each table takes a piece.
6. Goblin Morris Dancers starting fights between camps, employing insulting, custom dances.
7. Goblins smacking guests with huge fish. Ocasionally fish animates and eats whatever is near, before asphyxiating.
8. Races for the young goblins. They are encouraged by mutant rats.
9. Pin the Tail (on the captured priest/nun).
10. Mallett wielding, blind folded goblin, tries to hit goblins intent on stabbing him/her to death.
11. Bride and groom have sex with as many goblins as possible.
12. Ring toss with bound captives. Rings are rats tied together at the tail.

BONUS Worst Man contest, an inevitable bit, sees goblins try to outdo one another in boorishness. Often ends in murder.

Obviously, I was going to put this here.

Hors d'ouvres (Effects last for an hour/instantaneous/or otherwise noted)

1. Monkey Brains (+2 INT and random insanity. Save vs posion or become addicted)
2. Jellied Man Tongue (+2 CHA and self loathing)
3. Wee Lil' Squids (Mmm. Heal 1d4 dam. Poo Lil squids for d3 weeks. each weekly batch 10% chance of one growing into a Mind Flayer somehow. Probably sees you as mum.)
4. Baked Babies (Permo madness)
5. Genitals from something. (Just don't. You did? Hyper, cross species fertility for d 3 weeks)
6. Ball of hooks and glass. (Yeah, you're going to die if you fail a Death save. Succeed, +1 permo CON)
7. Live, burning, ant. (Extinguishes. Grants immunity to fire. Tasty)
8. Curried liver (that actually cures poison at the cost of exhausting, explosive diahhrea). 
9. Poison anemone thing, full of poison. (Insta death. Can be used as grenade, save vs death or die in 10' radius. 20% chance of bursting in hand=insta death)
10. Screaming ginger bread men. (Gain hateful tulpa, gives bad advice, sometimes so bad, it's good, due to predictable vibe)

Goblin Guests  (Went here for names)

1.Dagskar Earscrapper  A fat goblin who fancies himself a detective of some sort, carries a big maginfying glass and has nothing to investigate.

 2.Naffgit Ukscragga A mutant mess of a goblin, his lower body, from neck down, resembling a centipede. Famously carried banner for the Goblin City during which battle, he lost all limbs. Was saved and rewarded. Bad tempered.

 3.Gubbinz The Jester. Unpredictable Jester who looks to bum everyone out.

4.Guthnog Brittlenose An old goblin selling candles formed from her own ear wax. Many of the wedding candles are her work, she is swift to point out.

 5.Firguka da Wierd A Gobin in a suit of metal armour constructed for the occasion, vaguely resembling a London gent, top hat and all. Wants out, is dying, slowly.

 6.Bogloba Longnose Just a serial killer with a 2 foot nose. Stalking other random guest when encountered. Is actaully very good baby sitter for humans.
 
 7.Guzzla .  Organ grinder with mobile organ on the back of human lobotomised ogre steed. Sort of a celebrity. Other random goblin will be seeking autograph.

 8.Mr Bogrot Stuntybane Reeking of perfume and quite the dandy. Ever so happy to have been invited but is panicking because he has no gift

 9.Kruggler . Famous worg racer, tiny but kind of resepcted. Occasionally Troll bodyguard tries to eat. Afraid to participate in joust.

 10.Lady Fikbata Arch-High Gitflicker, lady of the sewers, which she has kept spotless for seven generations. Hoping to find a mate of any race or creed.


 11.Da great Zambungo, a great shaman, surrounded by cloud of locusts. Actually mind has gone and is now possessed by curious insect spirit. Might be found eating shit. Cannot speak. Nobody notices, staying deferential.

 12.Grobgut Skewtooth . Jousting spider rider and ladies' goblin. Has an ancient charm that prevents him being pierced.

13.Niblut. Attending to guests needs at will, even though he is a guest. A born sycophant. Might act as a a guide. Will climb any social pole offered.

14. Lobbo Black Tooth  Has sentient, much smarter black tooth as a result of a mutation. Advises on matters astrological and has made quite the rep for Lobbo, hence his invite. Wants to be pulled and put in your head.

15. Madam Pogo Gookhead. Produces loaves of bread from her arsehole, much to the delight of everyone. Really good bread. Heals d8 hp per loaf.

 16.Jaim Pimplebum. She's always asleep, carried on a palanquin bed by human slaves whipped by scrawny, cruel goblins. Is tended by a loyal old goblin butler who speaks for her and presents her gifts. Is actually locked in some extra dimensional prison of your choice. 

 17.Sir Igi Dingleberry.  Llama trainer, trains llamas for jousting and war. Is mocked by Worg trainers/riders. His llamas are as good as high quality war horses and are each as smart as Lassy. Will give one away to the PC who volunteers to enter the joust whilst riding one.

 18.Bambrog Foothair. Has cultivated over 75 different diseases in her body, all held in equilibium by a peculair, chemistry set, ahrness she wears. Is able to access different diseases by turning different taps. If her harness is broken, she warps into a plague demon of some kind.

 19.Dimble Flatear. Drug addled, insensible. Picks fights with random animals/goblins. Son of Goblin King, so it is said. Everyone afraid of him.

 20.Skunklob the Hunchback. Hump contains hundreds of tiny cuttle fish things, which can be released into water. Water thus drunk, sees fish thing assert control over drinker. In this way she hopes to take over the Goblin Kingdom, starting with this wedding. Controls one random guest.

        I'd buy this if I wasn't generally skint and I'd not already done a goblin wedding

Bride

1.  Goblin princess, family has huge dowry, is extremely ugly by human standards and by goblin standards, somehow, by some trick. Any groom will want to off her during the reception.
2. A pig.
3. A beautiful, human scullery maid, kidnapped and treated like royalty. Terrified, is going mad.
4. A troll with a stitched on wig. Prone to extrme violence. Also emits powerful lust pheremone.
5. An ambitous hobgoblin, seeking to become a goblin leader.
6. A mechanical woman/golem, like in Metropolis, built for this purpose, sentient but essentially new born.
7. A goblin warrior, known to collect the testicles of the fallen. Takes a shine to random PC.
8. A goblin maid, possessed by 1: an ancient ghost 2: a demon 3:a wizard from another dimension. Why? 1: to set the wheels in motion. 2: accident 3: love

Groom 

1. A goblin prince: penniless, connving,  murderous.
2. A frog, claimed by his mother and father to be the subject of a curse. 50/50.
3. An old human king, senile. His vanishing is a national crisis, but his marriage, would be a disaster. Yeah, his good wife, is dead.
4. Just a giant goblin head in a wheel barrow. Born minus body. Very rich.
5. A mad, goblin wizard, unfaithful, his eye on a random PC.
6. A flesh golem with the brain of a dead goblin hero. Desperate for a suitable wand. I think that would be a good scenario.
7. A semi sentient ooze in a hat.
8. The Goblin King himself!

That ought to get you going, should you be particular enough to partner off your goblins.

5e 'Conan' Barbarian Primal Path

 Here's a quick take on the missing 'Conan' primal path from 5e. There's an implicit sexism to Conan, which I've incorporated into the design. So go ahead and be a female Conan and rescue some prince or something. In this sense, it works pretty well as a kind of Amazon.


Stranger in a Strange Land
At 3rd level, when you adopt this path, you choose 2 bonus languages which you have picked up to survive (including abilty to read and write in those tongues). You gain a bonus language at 6th, 10th and 14th levels.  Also, you are considered dangerous and strange by civilised men, gaining advantage on intimdation checks amongst them.

 Cat amongst the Pigeons.
At 3rd level, when you adopt this path, you may enter a state of savage, uncaring joy when you make a Reckless Attack. After a successful hit , you may keep attacking as long as you keep hitting. Each hit after the first costs d4 hp, then 2d4 hp, then 4d4, then 8d4...(representing your lack of care for your own safety and defence). This state ignores damage resistance provided by entering a rage.

Savage Allure
  Beginning at 6th level, you gain advantage on attempts to seduce or command. Civilised enemies tend want to capture you, rather than kill (probably to torture you to death).

 Stirred by Beauty
Starting at 10th level, you Crit on a 19 or 20 and apply an extra damage die to said Crit. This bonus only applies whenever you are attempting to protect, rescue or aid a member of the opposite sex.

Know, oh Prince...
At 14th level, you gain advantage on any stunt like manoeuvres when you rage. The stakes of a failed stunt, must always be high (DM's discretion) to qualify for this effect.

The Estate: A horrible LotFP setting/game/brain expulsion.

The Estate is maybe Belfast in the early 70s or perhaps Manchester in the late 80s, or it could be Glasgow in the mid 90s. It is streets and tips and cornershops and cellars. It is Sectarian Pubs, brothels, Catholic bedrooms. It is warehouse raves and rusty parks and canal bridges. It is disused cotton factories,  family kitchens,yards backing onto alleys and empty football pitches.

People keep  pretending they can leave,  but they can't. They collect and hoard hearts. They don't know why. Monsters live in places,  but there's no acknowledgement. It's always night.Nobody ever remembers the monsters.  They are unrecognisable, psych, horrors.

The TV always has something to watch.

If you try to leave,  somebody appears in a car and begins chasing you.

There are hidden ways out. Voivodja is a good bet. The gatekeepers, if such exist, probably want hearts. Yeah, they're a bit like hearts in Zelda.

You have grown up here. Or maybe you haven't (there's nothing stopping this being an awful kind of demi plane...like Ravenloft meets Trainspotting).  Somebody told you you can leave with enough hearts.  Everyone thinks you're mad and that there's no problem.

For now, we can use LotFP as our basis.You could definitely have published LotFP  adventures happen here, but you'd obviously modify them to fit. Everything is re-skinned, in British neuroses (for the purposes of this idea, neuroses is skin). Everything is twisted by the worst fears of the British middle classes....the nightmares they imagine are perpetrated by the 'lower orders'.

    Valentina Ferrandes 'Council Estate'

Clerics are drag queens (you already know what these are America)

Fighters are local hard men

Rogues are scallies

Wizards are crusties .

There are no direct damage spells. Plus the wizard or cleric must be high as fuck. Did it really happen? I don't know. Maybe we imagined the whole thing.



XP is gained on a £ for £ basis. However,  XP will not get you off the estate.

The police arrive when the estate stress meter reaches a certain point (let's say 10). Different actions, cause more stress. Certain actions decrease stress.  The police are obviously Pigs in Uniforms. They beat and maim wantonly. Those they arrest, are never seen again.

The Estate is randomly generated.

Potions and such, are rendered as local alternatives eg: special brew super strength lager. Interesting because the players are relying upon the DMs interpretation of local myths.

...which is precisely the the point.

But this is my game haze,  so the laws of my experience (?) prevail.

Biscuit factories, rat infested tow paths, super market closes at 9.
Serial killer's attics, defaced mosques, Chinese chip shops.
Shite fairgrounds, guard dogs in car parks, stalled developments.

Steps to Play

1. Generate estate. Use a die drop method on the chart below if you like. It will probably work. Connect wth lines. Make those lines streets.
2. Generate characters
3. Stress level at zero
4. Take characters out into the streets,  played as a crawl.

Yes, there's some grim stuff on here. Rape, for instance. I'm not sure how one could approach the idea of urban monstrosity without considering that (to use another example) paedophiles are a part of British, urban myth/nightmare (and awful truth).



I don't know if it's playable yet. I'll give it a go and maybe write about it.